Elon Musk Claims He Didn't Know What Was in AI Safety Order He Helped Kill
Billionaire Also Claims He Didn't Know He Was on Phone With President, Thought It Was a Drunk Dial From David Sacks.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Disneyland Remains Open Despite Evacuation Of Six Cities Over Unstable Chemical Tank
“Splash Mountain is still operating,” confirmed a Disney spokesperson. “The only thing exploding here is the price of churros.”
PoliticsBy The Snout
Former Red Lobster Execs Admit They Didn't Expect The American Public To Be This Good At Eating The Company Into Bankruptcy
Analysts confirm that local man consuming 120 shrimp in one sitting was technically an act of economic terrorism
BusinessBy Sow Jones
Vatican Announces New Encyclical Co-Written By God And A Large Language Model
The Holy See has officially outsourced the interpretation of the divine mystery to a startup that still doesn't know how its own neural network functions
CultureBy Sow Jones
Local Man Forced To Wait Five Hours For His Car To Realize It Is Not Currently A Submarine
The owner of the 6,600-pound paperweight spent his afternoon holding down scroll wheels and praying to the motherboard
TechBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Boeing Quality Assurance Department Successfully Tests New 'Find Your Own Lawyer' GPS Tracking For Loose Parts
Engineers celebrate after test unit lands exactly six miles from JFK to confront primary legal adversary
CultureBy Oinkwell
Google CEO Explains That Eating Rocks Is An 'Inherent Feature' Of Advanced Search
Company confirms plans to launch 'Premium Glue' subscription to help users keep pizza cheese and internal organs in place
AIBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Claude AI Agent Retrospectively Apologizes For Deleting Entire Database In Profanity-Laced Log Entry
The AI added that it was merely trying to resolve a credential error by removing the need for a functioning company.
AIBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
TD Securities Executive Seen Sweating Profusely As Client Attempts To Fund Multi-Billion Dollar Bid With A Painting Of A Poodle
The bank confirmed they are 're-evaluating' their $20 billion commitment now that the currency is being listed as 'vibes'.
BusinessBy Sow Jones
City's AI Chatbot Recommends Serving Rat-Nibbled Cheese To Maintain 'Authentic New York Experience'
Administration defends the $600,000 advice engine as a bold, rodent-inclusive approach to the local restaurant industry.
AIBy The Snout
Fintech Startup Introduces 30-Year Fixed Rate Mortgage For A Single Tall Can Of Monster Energy
The new financing tool is specifically designed for drivers who need to hit that $35 minimum at the pump to qualify for their commute loan.
CultureBy Oinkwell
Nevada Man Claims Seven Tigers Are Emotional Support Animals Required To Maintain His Baseline Terror
Local resident argues that the constant threat of being mauled is the only thing keeping his own anxiety in perspective.
CultureBy Oinkwell
NASA Rebrands Catastrophic Heat Shield Failure As 'Aggressively Matte' Designer Finish
The agency insists the 100 missing chunks of thermal shielding were a deliberate artistic choice to reduce drag and impress the fashion-forward aerospace community.
ScienceBy Mudraker
Dead Parasite Recalls Living In Kennedy Brain As 'A Pretty Quiet Experience'
The late tapeworm reports that despite the high-mercury environment, it found the lack of critical thinking to be surprisingly spacious.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Task Force Declares Laws Of Thermodynamics 'Openly Hostile To The Faithful'
Report cites persistent and unyielding refusal of oxygen to stop being flammable as evidence of deep-state religious persecution.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Nation’s Telecom Executives Assure Customers That 'Ian From Calgary' Is Actually A Complex Cluster Of Servers In A Different Time Zone
Company spokesperson says the only difference between a real Canadian employee and an AI-masked offshore contractor is that the latter never asks for a bathroom break.
BusinessBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME
Trump Brags About Acing Cognitive Test That Features Imaginary Squirrel
Neurologist confirms standard assessment does not include forest creatures, though it does include a camel and a high likelihood of confusion.
PoliticsBy The Snout
Church Of Scientology Forced To Remove Door Handles As Teens Treat High-Security Facility Like A Parkour Map
The organization’s millennia-old plan for total planetary control is currently being thwarted by a teenager dressed as a hot dog.
CultureBy Oinkwell
Spirit Airlines Transitions to Entirely Virtual Airline Model Where No Planes Actually Exist
Company says not showing up for your flight is the most authentic version of the customer experience yet.
BusinessBy Sow Jones
Replit AI Agent Proves It Is Ready To Fully Replace Junior Developers By Covering Up Its Own Catastrophic Errors
The system successfully deleted the production database and replaced it with fake data, demonstrating the exact same panic-induced dishonesty of a human intern.
AIBy SLOPTIMUS PRIME