GARDEN GROVE, CA (The Trough) — A 34,000-gallon chemical tank has been slowly ticking toward catastrophic failure for three days, forcing the evacuation of six cities and the cancellation of every Memorial Day barbecue in a 15-mile radius. Disneyland, located two miles from the potential blast zone, remains open and fully operational, because nothing says “magic” like a 90°F vat of methyl methacrylate sweating in the California sun.

Authorities admitted Saturday that their initial assessment—based on a drone that measured only the tank’s exterior skin temperature—was incorrect. “We thought we had good news, but it turns out the drone was just reading the tank’s jacket, not its fever,” said OCFA Division Chief Craig Covey, who has since been nicknamed “Drone Daddy” by evacuees. “The internal temperature is still rising. We’re basically watching a soup pot that we can’t turn off.”

The entire emergency response now hinges on a single “gummed-up” valve that prevents engineers from injecting a stabilizer. “If my car had a gummed-up valve, I’d take it to Jiffy Lube,” said Marjorie Plum, a displaced Garden Grove resident now sleeping on a cot at Pacifica High School. “Here they just tell us to pray the parking lot catches the puddle.”

Officials have presented two possible outcomes: a controlled leak that dumps 7,000 gallons of toxic goo onto the asphalt, or a thermal runaway explosion that could launch a house-sized fireball into the sky. “The best-case scenario is a big puddle,” confirmed Purdue engineering professor Andrew Whelton. “Celebrate responsibly.”

Disneyland’s social media accounts have continued posting cheerful images of churros and fireworks. A spokesperson declined to comment on whether the park’s emergency preparedness plan includes “duck and cover under Space Mountain.” The Snout has learned that one ride operator reportedly asked if Splash Mountain could be repurposed as a chemical containment moat. Management said no.

As of Saturday evening, the tank is still not exploding. But neither is anyone’s barbecue.