SILICON VALLEY (The Trough) — The great American impulse buy is officially dead, replaced by a bleak, pastel-hued era of intergenerational debt for synthetic stimulants. In what can only be described as the death of the spontaneous road-trip beverage, fintech disruptor Splöre has unveiled a financial instrument that allows commuters to amortize a 24-ounce green cylinder of taurine over three decades.

The cultural shift arrives as desperate drivers, attempting to use app-based installment plans for three gallons of unleaded, find themselves falling desperately short of mandatory corporate financing thresholds.

"We are democratizing access to heart palpitations," said Splöre CEO Braeden Cuckfield, speaking in front of a slide deck inexplicably typeset in Papyrus. "By securitizing a radioactive-looking energy drink into 360 easy monthly payments of four cents, we empower the modern commuter to maintain their baseline level of sheer panic without over-leveraging their immediate liquidity."

The app’s millennial-pink interface attempts to mask the dystopian reality of sharecropping a morning commute with an Australian tech conglomerate. Critics note that the beverage will be metabolized into anxiety and expelled in a Texaco restroom 29 years and 11 months before the final balloon payment is due.

"It is the absolute death of late-stage capitalism's fleeting joys," lamented Dr. Elias Vane, a professor of socioeconomic aesthetics who noted the font choice on the loan agreements was terribly derivative. "My grandchildren will be forced to liquidate my estate to settle the remaining balance on a Mango Loco I chugged on Interstate 95."

At press time, Splöre announced a bold new subprime lending division dedicated entirely to financing gas station roller-taquitos.