WASHINGTON — Dispatch from the perimeter. The millions of citizens mobilizing against alleged authoritarianism this weekend have fundamentally misdiagnosed their predicament, according to heavily fortified administration officials who noted that a dictatorship implies an anachronistic level of personal interest in the governed.

Intercepted memos from the executive branch confirm the government views the populace not as vassals, but as an inescapable captive audience bound by terms of service. The "No Kings" movement, officials argue, is a romanticized overreaction to standard algorithmic monetization.

"A sovereign ruler demands loyalty, which is highly inefficient," said Bradley Farnsworth, Deputy Undersecretary of Opt-Out Compliance. "What we operate is a streamlined geo-political platform. You cannot overthrow us, because your continued presence on this landmass constitutes legal consent to our targeted enforcement updates."

On the front lines, protesters wielding 18th-century constitutional arguments appeared disoriented when riot police began distributing QR codes detailing the nation's cancellation policy. The protocol requires a notarized letter mailed to a federal P.O. box that was quietly decommissioned in 2019.

"We prepared to fight a tyrant," whispered local demonstrator Sarah Jenkins, coughing through a thick cloud of crowd-control measures. "Instead, we're just trapped in a trial period that expired immediately after the Revolutionary War, and the late fees are devastating."

At press time, the administration announced that ongoing military actions overseas are merely premium downloadable content, and that complaining about them violates community guidelines.