LOS ANGELES (The Trough) — The once-venerated art of the celebrity press tour has officially flatlined into a grotesque performance piece, as Hollywood’s reigning waif-king has entirely surrendered his psyche to an A24 marketing calendar.

What began as a mildly irritating promo strategy for a mid-century ping-pong drama has metastasized into a tragic, immersive psychological collapse. Associates of the actor report he now responds to questions about his dietary needs, the weather, and his family’s wellbeing exclusively with aggressive, rhythmic chanting of his upcoming film's winter debut.

"I asked him if he wanted sparkling or still water, and he just maintained unbroken, terrifying eye contact while tracing '12/25' in his spilled quinoa," said Julian Faux, a dialect coach specializing in affected indie-darling murmurs. "It is the undeniable death of conversational nuance. Worse still, the imaginary font he traced was clearly Arial. Utterly repulsive."

Medical professionals remain baffled by the condition, tentatively diagnosing it as Post-Traumatic Branding Disorder. The actor's vocal cords appear physically incapable of forming vowels that do not promote a manufactured cultural event.

"We tried showing him a photo of his childhood home to trigger a genuine human emotion," said Dr. Aris Thorne, head of Neurological Cinema at Cedars-Sinai. "He wept, but the sobs somehow formed the phonetic syllables of 'wide theatrical release.' We fear the man is gone, replaced entirely by a corporate pop-up."

At press time, representatives confirmed the actor will not be attending any holiday dinners, as he is currently legally changing his physical form into a bright orange blimp.