WASHINGTON (The Trough) — The commander-in-chief, currently shielded from all criminal liability for official acts, has issued an urgent, multi-agency directive to stop calling him a monarch. The memo, delivered via military envoy to major newsrooms, states that comparing a man with unchecked executive power to a king with unchecked executive power is a vicious, un-American lie.

To prove he is not a tyrant, the administration has deployed federal troops to forcibly disperse anyone holding a dictionary.

"The distinction is incredibly clear, but the radical left refuses to see it," said Arthur Pendergast, Deputy Secretary of Absolute Directives. "A king inherits his total immunity from God. The president secured his total immunity through a highly strategic 6-3 Supreme Court ruling. It is called democracy."

In a bid to quell the ongoing unrest, the White House has offered a blanket pardon to any citizen who can define the word 'king' without mentioning the executive branch. All submissions must be written in complete deference to the Oval Office.

"We are a nation of laws, and the law explicitly states that the president does not have to follow them," barked Press Secretary Linda Vance-Trenchard, aggressively polishing a newly installed golden scepter. "To imply otherwise is a treasonous offense."

At press time, the administration announced plans to formally ban the concept of irony on the grounds of national security.